Tribute Token
Posted on May 19, 2014 | By brad4 | 3 responses
It feels as though acid is sitting inside my stomach breaking down its walls and eating me from the inside out. I am sitting inside the dull dark waiting room they have put me and the other tribute in and the acid that I am feeling is the nervousness that dwells inside me. I feel the room’s smooth walls and wonder how many other contestants before me have felt these same walls, I also wonder how many of these same boys and girls are now dead. My hand then finds an old rusted radiator leaning against the wall. Out of the corner of my eye I spot an old yellowed piece of paper sitting behind the radiator. I pull it out and spot some neat writing on the page yet before I can read it my mother bursts through the door crying.
“My poor innocent baby, Oh my sweet child.” She sobs out in between labored breaths.
I am now comforting my mother even though I am the one on death row. My mother, my childhood comforter had become almost nothing in my eyes, she was damaged beyond repair. Years of savage brutality from my father have taken its toll on her. She was broken and losing another family member would just be too hard on her. Soon enough I was crying too with my head buried in her soft hair the scent of which reminded me of home, of better days, of cool dips in the creek after long days of work. But most of all it reminded me of how things used to be and how just the smell of her could strip me of my pride and hard shell exterior and expose my venerable inside. Without words, as none were needed, she handed me an old leather belt. As soon as my fingers came in contact with the belt I felt an electricity run through my spine, sparking from the smooth leather. And again without words, no goodbye, no good luck, my mom was gone, taking away any chances of a normal return home with her.
I sat on the sole chair provided for me and pulled out the note from the radiator. In neat black lettering the note reads Dear tribute, If you are reading this it means you are on your way to the arena but do not be afraid just know that every tribute before you is behind you and if we band together we will find a way to rise. Good luck, Samantha Clearwater 65th Games. I then pick up my father’s belt I feel the worn supple leather in my hands and close my eyes thinking of all the memories it brings up, I smile at the thoughts, yet like a dark cloud I feel the presence of the man who wore it. I pull out my lighter and set the belt on fire, watching the hungry flames slowly devour my father’s old belt. I pull the letter out of my pocket, my tribute token, and walk slowly out of the room and onto the train. Leaving the belt, and all the dark memories of the past slowly burning behind me.
I loved your attention getter. It was a very well crafted sentence to show how you were feeling at this moment. You did go into deep detail during this essay and I would see in my mind what was happening in this room. You made it well known that you mom loves you and wants to support you. I thought it was very interesting that you didn’t bring the belt with you and burned it leaving all the memories behind you! It was sort of a plot twist. This essay in my opinion was better than the other one but the first essay was great too! Keep up the good work
Your first paragraph was sure to pull me in and really grabbed my attention. Again, I enjoyed the use of various, vivid, vocab words. Your punctuation however, as I have previously stated is not up to par. I believe that with a little better proofreading, possibly aloud, you will be able to catch you punctuation and grammatical errors. Other than that, your writing just continues to get better and better. Work it!
Your opening sentence could have used a comma in the middle when you list what you feel is going on inside you: “It feels as though acid is sitting inside my stomach(:) breaking down its walls (,) and eating me from the inside out.” I input punctuation inside the parentheses where I felt it was necessary. Other than the major problem of punctuation, the writing was very good and did a good descriptive job of explaining the situation.