Posted on May 20, 2014 | By brad4 | 3 responses
I only have one more guaranteed minute of life. Just sixty seconds to relive my life, every mistake I made, all my greatest loves lost and my conquests passed through my mind like a swarm of locusts. I was standing up top the metal platform which was to take me up to the arena which will either be the stage of my greatest victory or my final resting place. As I wait here I am drowning in a pool of my own past. All my old memories are resurfacing and pouring through me like a geyser of emotion. Just as the pain of lost days becomes unbearable, the platform begins to rise.
Sunlight, blinds me, burns me, feeds off of me, I am melting away by the powerful rays of light. My eyes begin to adjust and I have thirty seconds to find my bearings and determine a strategy. I spot an open stretch of sand in front of me and a bunching of palm trees to my left. On my right I see another tribute yet my fevered mind cannot determine who it is. I smell a saltiness in the air and can almost taste it on my tongue. I’m slipping from reality and the only thing that keeps me centered is the thought of returning home from this slaughterhouse victorious.
Thirty seconds can become an eternity. I felt time slow down as adrenaline pumped through my veins. My mind races from across the arena I hear the tribute from district one shout for the start of the games. I meanwhile was melting, drifting away farther and farther from my body pulling me out of consciousness. I was floating above myself observing my physical body stand lifeless. Just the the gong sounds and i a snapped back into consciousness and back to the nightmare which is the games.
This was a very good narrative, it captured what it would be like to be waiting for the gong to sound. For the next time you write I think you could add a bit more sensory details and also I think you could extend your writing a bit more. After the gong sounded I think you should have explained what you did. At the beginning of the post the attention getter was great. Some more advice for next time is that you re-read your post to check for grammatical mistakes.
Besides a few grammar mistakes, this was a great piece! It was exciting to read and I liked how you tied in your character’s back story as the clock was ticking down. Your character’s thoughts were deep and kept me engaged. I do wish that you described the arena more and I’m not sure why the title of this was 15. There were great sensory details and your use of figurative language enhanced this post. Great job!
The only suggestion I have is that next time you should add more sensory details. You should also focuse more on showing not telling specifically when you use sensory details.