First Night of the Hunger Games
Posted on May 22, 2014 | By brad4 | 3 responses
As night falls I realize that tonight I will be sleeping in the mind of a mad man, filled with the demons living inside of him, which he has brought to life through the games. Every step I take could be my last and every second I fill my lungs with oxygen another killer is out there lurking, using the same oxygen, waiting to taste my flesh. I breathe out and a shudder courses through my body. Yet as I look into the hot, humid darkness I remember that after this mornings events at the cornucopia I too am a killer. I close my eyes and faces pass through the darkness. Yolanda’s face brings the most pain. I remember her from training and now she is dead felled by my own blade. Each time I think about her it feels as though a hot spear is being plunged through my heart. I stop myself and take a deep breath before continuing on my way to find a spot to sleep for the night.
Tonight I am the hunter. I build myself a fire using only green wood to create as much smoke as possible then I climb into a nearby tree to wait for my prey. After about an hour I decide no one else is on the hunt like me and I put out the fire. I make my bed on the ground and begin to close my eyes. Just as I do the Capitals anthem plays over some sort of speakers and the faces of the dead are displayed. I turn away as they display Yolanda’s face. I tell myself to be strong but I already know what has happened. The government has changed me, distorted me, turned me into a heartless murderer. I let out a shout of defiance to the capital asking them to challenge me. I shout till my voice gives way then I sob until I lose consciousness.
This was one of the best narratives I have read so far. This was very well written and had a great attention getter. Also the line about other people who want to kill you are breathing the same air as you was great. Next time I think you should add a bit more sensory details, but overall this was a great narrative.
Your piece was filled with sensory details that made it easy to visualize and understand what your character was feeling and doing. Your attention getter: “As night falls I realize that tonight I will be sleeping in the mind of a mad man, filled with the demons living inside of him, which he has brought to life through the games” was intriguing and made me want to know how your character is facing these feelings of turning darker as the games progress.
Incorporating other characters and intertwining backstories in your writing, makes me forget that this isn’t a novel. Your use of figurative language, sensory detail, and backstories are excellent and here are some examples that I thought stood out the most: “Yet as I look into the hot, humid darkness I remember that after this mornings events at the cornucopia I too am a killer” and
“I tell myself to be strong but I already know what has happened. The government has changed me, distorted me, turned me into a heartless murderer. ”
The only thing I would fix in your writing is grammar mistakes such as inserting commas and checking your spelling. For example in this sentence: “Just as I do the Capitals anthem plays over some sort of speakers and the faces of the dead are displayed.” you would add a comma after “do”. This was a great read!
I like how you added in another character to enhance the piece. It made the writing have more feelings. For example, “Each time I think about her it feels as though a hot spear is being plunged through my heart,” really made the writing more powerful. However, there were a few places where I felt like a coma should have been places. One sentence that needs a coma is: “I tell myself to be strong but I already know what has happened.”