Silver Parachute
Posted on May 26, 2014 | By brad4 | 3 responses
Flashes of my once storybook life passed through the absolute darkness of my shut eyes. I felt the burning fingers of the sand on the exposed parts of my body. The sun was bearing down on me like a load of weights. The realization that this tropical paradise could be my resting place snaps me back into reality. I open my eyes and sit up breathing in the hot humid air. A flash of light catches my eye. I rub my eyes thinking that the image is no more then a mere mirage. The object lands in front of me with a hard thunk in the sand. Waves of overlapping joy and wonder pass over me like a raging sea. I have watched enough Games to know what the parachute means. Attached to the flowing silver silk was a small mechanical camera and with it a note. The note read; We here at the capitol know the thoughts that must be going inside your head and provided this camera so you may record yourself and send it to your district. I almost broke down in tears. Here in my hands is a way to express my feelings to all my loved ones. I touch the record button and an angry red light turns on.
I look to the ground and wipe the tears from my face. Yet I feel something deep within me, like a river washing away my nerves and homesickness. My message got through and with me people behind me I can do anything.
This was really good! I could imagine everything perfectly because of all of the descriptive details you used! The only thing that I wish that you would have done is describe how you felt when you received the parachute other than crying.
You did a great job on squeezing in some sensory details. The figurative language was magnificent and really let the reader feel the feelings of the character. The setting could have been more described, since all it says is the sand burning. The feelings of the character were clear to the reader and the voki avatar was well done. His eyes stare deep into your soul.
I think that you did a pretty good job with your post! The message and Voki were clear and it sounded pretty realistic to something someone would say during the Games. The only thing that I thought that you may want to change was the format of your sentences. Some of them seemed sort of choppy and short, so you can maybe try to make them flow more (by using commas) next time we post to our blogs. There were also a few errors, like in the sentence, “My message got through and with me people behind me I can do anything.”. You should add a comma between me and I to make the sentence flow and make sure me is my. A quick proof read can fix those issues, so next time try to do that so you can improve the quality of your work. Otherwise the few small easy-to-fix things, good job!