Tsunami
Posted on May 28, 2014 | By brad4 | 3 responses
I was a mere mortal in their eyes, a pawn, and a minor distraction, nothing to the almightiness of the Gamemakers wrath. To them we were a means to entertain the capital, death is the most powerful attention getter and we were living in their sick, deadly fantasy. I was in the tropical rainforest surrounding the beach, high up in a palm tree watching 4 tributes battle on the beach in front of me. I was to high up to discern their faces yet I could tell one of the tributes was Richard Johnson, judging by his fighting style. I sat back in my tree with not a care in the world just watching the games unfold before me. Just then I felt a change, something was wrong. The air became heavy and animals began to panic, running farther into the jungle. The tributes stopped fighting and began to run. The sea was calling me, asking me to join it. I turned my head and saw an impenetrable wall blocking my view. A deep ancient terror broke through me causing me to run, in no direction but away. I had to leave to go to find shelter from this unending wall of pain and suffering. When my feet hit the water I was gone, running from the fate the wall presented.
My feet were moving underneath me yet I was not paying attention to my strides. I had become an animal that I had recently seen running through this jungle. I weaved in between the trees feeling the water coming closer and closer. I have to get higher I told myself away from a death by the tsunami. I stopped for a second and thought. Why would the Gamemakers want to watch us die by a wall of water? Just after I decided that this was not a way to die in the arena I heard the first cannon shot. My legs were moving again away from this cruel death, away from the unfairness of the games, away from the thought of my family alone with no one there to feed them. I turn around and face the approaching water.
I speak to heaven. “I’m sorry mom I just can’t run anymore.”
The wall in front of me disappears being replaced with bright sunshine. I whisper a silent thank you to God and blackout, falling to the hard ground.
The story telling was very well done and the reader had a clear sense of what was going on. There were a few fixable grammar errors such as to – too. I think there also could have been more suspense as the tsunami came so suddenly and ended so suddenly. More sensory details could have been used during the tsunami part too. The personification with the sea and other figurative language helped the narrative a lot too.
You work had a lot of great points in it, but there is also some room for improvement. Personally, I think that the beginning of your first paragraph’s attention getter was a bit much. There were so many different details all packed in that it made it a bit hard to comprehend. It definitely contains a lot of good ideas, but maybe just try to cut it down a bit. In the sentence, “To them we were a means to entertain the capital, death is the most powerful attention getter and we were living in their sick, deadly fantasy.” the comma should be replaced by a period to make it two separate sentences. The same thing goes for the sentence, “Just then I felt a change, something was wrong.” and you can just make it two sentences or use a semi-colon since it is also a comma splice. I really enjoyed the ending though, especially how you talk to your mom, facing heaven. It makes it seem realistic and it shows how you miss her. In that sentence (“I speak to heaven. “I’m sorry mom I just can’t run anymore.”’), you could have also done a semi-colon after ‘mom’ to make it seem more dramatic and make it sound better. These things are an easy fix, but just try to maybe to pay more attention to them as you write and proof-read your work before you post it on here.
I could imagine everything perfectly. One thing I would fix is the part where you say you are watching the games from up in the tree, and then the next sentence you are on the ground. Maybe add how you got to the ground to help the reader visualize everything better. Also, there were a few mini mistakes that can be fixed easily like spelling out a number or adding punctuation. Other than that, this was great!