The Mockingjay Sings
Posted on May 29, 2014 | By brad4 | 3 responses
I am a murderer that feeds on terror. I need no drink, no food, I partake only of the image of my triumphant return home. Homicidal thoughts fill my brain. After the hallucinations, I no longer am human. My soul has been replaced by hate and the rage is fed by the single idea that man’s inner demons know no bounds. My body has become a tool, used only by Satan. I have seen what I can do when faced with choices that must be made. The tropical arena that has been my home is a clown’s face, a painted mirage. The outside beauty masks the inner evil lurking beneath every shadow. I now understand what the games really are. Not only are they the capitals private theater, they are a way to break the will of every man women and child who lives on the planet. I have lost my will to live yet I cannot give up on my family back home. Another apology escapes my lips and again I’m on the move. The stars of the dead are displayed upon the sky. I watch each tributes face slowly pass between my eyes. The last face was pictured, Ella Moe, the girl from my district. A cry escapes my lips until my breath is gone and there is nothing inside of me. I am an emptied husk, a former man yet I am broken. I fall to the ground and for the first time in my life am scared for tomorrow.
The victim passes by my tree. In another world the girl I am about to kill might have been beautiful yet looks are deceiving. She has no name, no face, just a target, her neck. I jump from my tree and my fingers close squeezing the very life from the girl. Her limbs flail in an attempt to struggle yet I am to strong. Then I feel her cold blade plunge deep into my arm and I smile. This child believes she can hurt me but I am untouchable. I pin her to the ground and watch the shock pass through her face as I slowly draw her blade from my arm.
“I….am…..not….mortal.” The final words she will hear being said by my cold raspy voice.
I slit her throat slowly passing the blade across her neck and the cannon sounds. I have done it, I have won the games. I will return to my family, my past life. But it is not a victory, I have been broken in the arena. My hands have been used to kill and my mind was shattered. I need my mother, my friends, and my home. I sob into my hands, they do not want me back I have become a demon. The Gamemakers do not come to take me home. I wonder if this has all been a hallucination in my delusional broken mind. Then I realize I have no more home, the arena is my home and I am its champion. It has become a prison for me to die in and with this thought in my mind the tears escape me till I have no more left to give.
This was great; all of the details and description about your changed self really pulls the reader in. I love this sentence, ” Then I realize I have no more home, the arena is my home and I am its champion.” It really shows how your character has changed from an innocent tribute to a demon killer who think of the arena as his home. The only thing I would have liked you to fix is not announcing so much. I felt that as was reading, I would have been more engaged if there was more talk in the first person. Can’t wait to read about what happens next!
Once again, I have to say that you need to make sure that you have commas in the right places and that they are being used in the right context. Sometimes you forget to use them altogether and other times you put them in a spot that there should be punctuation to divide your separate thoughts. You could use a semi-colon or a period, but just make sure that you do the correct punctuation! also, some of your sentences in the first paragraph are a bit choppy and short, so try to maybe smooth them out and make it flow a little bit better but not too much. In the sentence, “I fall to the ground and for the first time in my life am scared for tomorrow”, you forgot the ‘I’ after life and before am and then after you add that in, you should put a comma after life and in front of the newly added ‘I’. You have a lot of good ideas in your writing and you use a lot of great word choices to help bring this to life. It does make it hard to imagine in my head with the grammar issues, so just do a proof read and make sure that you are doing the correct thing.
The writing piece was great overall. As Shelby said, using commas in the right places helps the reader not be confused. Things like semi-colon or period can be used. Some little grammar issues which could be helped with a proofread can be found. You can never have enough sensory details, and more figurative language always helps. Good ideas and good writing, just enrich it a bit more and proofread/